Friday, January 8, 2010


I'm not sure why I'm posting so regularly despite not having to worry about readers at this point but, I suppose that when/if i do get them, they'll have a lot to look over. Or something.

Anyway, I've been thinking about fear for a bit tonight. A few years ago I thought that I decided all fear originated from the fear of death. Then I thought that it must be more like fear of pain. Well, I don't know what Freud or Jung or whoever said about fear, exactly. I only know what Roosevelt said about it. And I know that my own fears have evolved and devolved over the years.

When I was little, everything scared me. The dark, being alone, losing my family, tall men, being in front of a lot of people, puppets, clowns, shadows, monsters, murderers, anything could happen at anytime, especially if my mommy wasn't there. I can't tell you just how easily I could get scared, especially after watching "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" or sleeping over at a place that wasn't my house (and even in my own room with a night light I became afraid).

Eventually I grew out of it, into different fears. The startling, gripping fear I felt so often as a kid (and ran from) became something I wanted to find, in movies and books and stories told to me. My fear list changed. It included things like scary people coming out of the TV (after "The Ring"), being murdered in the shower...

Now I find that if I think too hard about something that's already creepy, I can scare myself, but I try to avoid it. The most recent movie that scared me was "The Blair Witch Project," I think because of the getting lost in the woods thing. But who knows? Simple images can bring on really frightening scenarios sometimes. The most recent book that scared me was "A Certain Slant of Light." It's a romantic ghost story, and the main character, a ghost, haunted people throughout their lifetimes, and if she didn't find someone else to haunt after the person died, she'd suddenly become trapped in what I guess was her coffin. I can handle certain ideas about afterlife; hell, heaven, oblivion, nothing at all. But being trapped somewhere alone for eternity is one of the worst things I can think of. That scared me most.

At this very moment, the biggest fears that come to mind for me are:

Peanuts- they make me sick, but I often forget and eat them anyway because it's a very very recent development and peanut butter has been a steady part of my diet since before my memory begins.

Carpal tunnel- I'm on the computer ALL THE TIME. I play the piano, I write in notebooks...I'm bound to get it at some point, right? And then.. there goes everything!

Reincarnation- This is a beautiful idea, I know. But I've been pretty lucky this time around and I'm afraid I'd come back as someone who gets tortured, or worse. I'm not going to go into scenarios, but I know to be grateful for what I have and who I am. And who I have, too. It took so long to learn everything I have. I don't want to have to learn it all again, in a different way. Part of it might also be a fear that, under different circumstances, I may have become some horrible person. I'd like to think that my ideals stem not only from nurture but nature...but who really can say?

I'm sure there are others. I mean, some are pretty self-explanatory and some can go without saying. We're all afraid of losing people at some point or another. I guess I'm thinking more of plaguing, irrational sorts of fears. And those are mine right now.

I feel like I should balance this post out. I don't only have irrational fears- I have irrational hopes and wishes, too. When I was little I wanted to be a singer/actress. When I was...hmm, maybe 14...I wanted to be published by age 17. Here are some of my crazy hopes/wishes at this moment:

A beach house. I'm a beach addict. I don't know if I'd ever leave if I lived on a beach (unless I was going to visit a different beach).

To be on Ellen Degeneres. I could just say I want to be a famous author, but I feel like that's obvious. I don't really expect it to happen, but I know I'm going to try and MAKE it happen to SOME extent. Anyway, every time I picture myself famous, I'm being interviewed on Ellen Degeneres's show. Come on, she seems like such a fun person. I'd love to chat with her!

Hmm. What else do I wish for? We could all use money, that's for sure, but I think it's more important to specify what I'd do with mine. I'd travel. I'd get certified in yoga at an ashram. And travel. Then I'd write something like Eat. Pray. Love. combined with The Da Vinci Code, with vampires or something.
Man. I want to find a book like that now.

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